Self-pity
I haven't done too badly in my life, but I've always felt like either it was pure chance or that someone is going to realise that I don't belong and I'm really no good at what I do. Not such a great feeling that.
I underestimate myself and I don't know why. Somewhere deep inside, I have this feeling that I don't really have a clue as to what I'm doing or talking about; that I never have or will do anything of any importance in my life. It's an ache, an aching sort of guilt that I carry around. Guilt for failed expectations and constant apparent disappointment, from none other than myself. Excess baggage for no apparent reason. Self pity has no purpose and plenty of consequence. I have no one to blame for this feeling but myself.
Why? What makes me feel like I'm not smarter/ prettier/ thinner than the average person out there? I say 'feel' because I'm not sure of what I am. I constantly project my opinion of other people's opinions of me as my own opinion of myself.
I don't know why I engage in such a hopelessly complex, utterly confusing and ultimately useless exercise. I constantly search for answers to this dilemma, but none have presented themselves so far. Who am I and am I that bad?
10 comments:
Is it because you push yourself too much ...
or because you tend to attach too much of importance to what others say ...
or consciously or sub-consciously the get this urge the prove yourself in someone else's eyes ...
or because you are not sure how to spend your free time ...
or simply because you are a woman ...
or, all of the above :-)
Cheers.
PS: I love reading your blogs.
I have suffered from similar afflictions all of my life. As I have aged it has moderated, but not because of aging. It has moderated because I started understanding it. All my life I had felt these feelings were self generated and had no basis. I saw them as an indication of how screwed up I am. What finally helped me was finding a perspective, an overview, where the feelings started making sense, where they started to fit into a context.
I found it all started making sense when I began finding out why I felt the way I did. I discovered there were some very good reasons. Stuff from the past. Of course, seeing the cause is one thing; coming to terms with it is another.
I believe that having these questions are not wasteful or stupid. I think they are among the smartest questions anyone could have. The inner frustration, stress and anxiety that they produce are the catalysts that drive us toward truly discovering who we are. Many people may not suffer from this to the same extent as others. That’s typically not because they’ve realized it, but because it’s not on their plate… yet.
A lot of times when we post on our blog, we are thinking one thing and a commenter assumes another. If I have done that, please accept my apologies.
lol ... mark, i think that's the most frustrating part of blogging
Hmmm.... you know whenever I really think I should feel sorry for myself I somehow take the metaphorical spatula and lift my shattered self off the floor. I mean, it could be something as simple as just forcing myself to read a book, or thanks to living in Delhi, just take my car and go on a loooong drive at night - no music, just the sound of the air. I broke up once and later that night found myself in Agra, and I saw the Sun rise next to the Taj, boom, new motivation in life. Two, in office people say some mean things at times, but I guess I have leathery skin, so I just let it bounce off. On another note, you have to take life and work seriously (at least some times), but the moment you decide that you are like Atlas, holding the world (and its problems) on your shoulders, you're headed for trouble, so try not to get there, because there is no way in hell that ypou can do and solve everything or please everyone, and the moment things start not working out - you think you suck. Easiest cure to feeling down and out, if you can't drive, get some nice ingredients and cook, works for me when the car ain't around.
Thanks for your kind workds Bonatellis. And Mark, I understand what you're saying. Thanks for dropping by.
errr ... guess my words were rather convoluted ...
i think this is something common to all...only the degree varies..some people feel this way throughouyt their lives, some sometimes and some once in their life. Are there 'some' left who never feel this way???
Was afflicted by the same plague of self-doubt, till I flipped the coin and asked "What if I was immensely talented, or good-looking, or rich, or whatever." Then what? I could go out there and achieve world peace, or help myself to another beer?
Maybe I could have gone after what I wanted without waiting for godot.
Maybe it doesn't matter how much stuff you've got in the trunk of your car, so long as the car is in motion!
Must admit, brilliant word-smithy, your blog.
Buddy its a nice blog...
ws jus goin thru it..
chill and tk cr
cloud
Hi,
I am not sure if you welcome this but i book-tagged you - here. Hope to see your take on this..
Cheers,
Post a Comment