The next time you ask me an annoying question about India...

I'll sucker-punch your face. Or maybe, with all my Gandhian instincts intact, I'll answer them like this.

What does that red dot on a woman's forehead mean?
Well, in ancient times Indian men used to practice archery by target practicing on their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one reason why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target...

You're from India, aren't you? I've read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
Absolutely. In fact, we used to have our own elephant at home, but later we started elephant-pooling with our neighbours to save the air. You see, elephants have emission problems.

Does India have cars?
No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

Are all Indians vegetarian?
Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

You speak very good English.
Thanks. So do you.

Are you a Hindi?
Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Do you speak Hindu?
Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
Yes. In fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

India is very hot, isn't it?
Yeah. It's so hot there that water boils spontaneously. That's why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Are there any business companies in India?
No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. All of us make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all those thin skinny Indians -- it is a lot of hard work.

I saw people on TV there walking on burning coals. Why do they do that?
We don't have shoes, so we burn the soles of our feet to make it hard.

Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
I prefer it to coming naked. Don't you?

How do you celebrate Thanksgiving day in India?
By roasting an American.