Ecstasy Aunt

From the March 23 issue of TimeOut, in the 'Intimacy' section:

Q: What do you make of this SMS response that I got from a friend I was trying to hit on? I quote: "I care for you very deeply, but I don't want to hurt you. I think we shouldn't see each other at all. I think we should stay friends. I enjoy your company and don't want to lose you." Why can't he just tell it like it is?

A: Here goes: "I fancy you something fierce, and your come-ons are turning me on in the most intriguing fashion. So I'd really really like it if we could have some hot, fun sex. But of course we're friends, so it can't be sex because, well, you may expect more and I might also get involved. But actually I won't and if I do I'm damn good at repressing. I basically have very low expectations and that helps me not get in messy situations. Darned if I know why I still do. But anyway, I just can't seem to grow up and take responsibility. So basically the right thing to do would be for you to see me for the immature loser I am. But still, if I send you a mixed message then you can demolish my doubts and tell me you think you can handle it so that we can have the hot, fun sex - made that way partly because we are such good friends, but actually I really can't deal with such integrated thinking - and then if I behave like an ass afterwards, it's okay, because well, I covered mine, by telling you I'm conflicted, so well then it will all be your fault."
That's the translation. Now here's the advice: he's a bore. Yawn, pat his cheek and look for a grown-up playmate.

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LOLLLLLLLL! I swear I laughed for a whole 30 minutes! Here's a woman after my own heart!