Back to the mundane

When you let someone out the door, no matter how gently you do it, you're still letting them 'out'.

Sometimes, it seems like the only thing to do. Or rather, it's the only thing you're able to do. Letting people out can be tricky business. You have to make sure they don't get in again. But they might...and that's because you let them in again. That's the whole point. We let people in and out of our lives and sometimes they don't even know it. Sometimes we don't even realise it. But there you have them...

Last night, while watching Meryl Streep pull her leg close to her body while she lay in bed and spoke into the phone, I said to myself, "I don't know who I really am." She was playing a writer, Susan Orlean, in the movie Adaptation. I listened to the way she spoke to Chris Cooper (playing orchid thief John Laroche) and thought about how I sound on the phone. Or rather, how different I sound on the phone with different people. I am mostly monotonous and sleepy. Then, sometimes, I talk fast and excitedly. But most of the time I talk a lot. And I attribute it to the fact that I don't know who I really am.

Why is it that some of our most important moments get relegated to conversations over the phone? The first time I said "I love you" to a guy was over the phone. The first time I dumped a guy, it was over the phone. The last time I dumped a guy was also over the phone. Sometimes, I think most relationships would die if it wasn't for the phone! I hate that. I think the next time I have something important to say to someone, I'm going to wait and tell them in person, face-to-face. And I don't care how long I have to wait.

I have no insurance policies, no stocks or shares, no mutual funds, no savings or investments, nothing. But in a span of two-and-a-half weeks, I've spent around 15k on entertainment. I tell myself it's just a void I'm trying to fill. But then again, I feed myself a lot of horseshit.

I haven't had a brilliant idea in so long that I'm now beginning to wonder if this is as good as it gets. Five or six or even seven years ago, I thought my life was boring and that I had a long way to go. This afternoon I happened to mention to two of my colleagues that I've met quite a few famous people and even had breakfast/lunch/tea with some of them in their own homes, and they were so amazed. They asked me what someone like me was doing in a joint like this. And I really didn't know what to say. Well, actually I knew what to say but I've repeated the story so many times that I'm just so tired of it.

It's not even like I miss the life. I just miss the passion and drive I had. The desire to be so much better than I was, the longing to be the best that I could be. Now I find myself giving up, not making even half the effort I used to. I think if I had to just sit in one place day in and day out and not do anything till the day I died, it would make more of a difference that the half-baked life I'm leading now.

I just hope this is a case of the Monday blues or else I've just wasted a whole lot of time and pushed my ulcers into overdrive!