Disassociation

Divider of the enchanted forest
wakes the lilies to brilliance with these same hands:
stubby, tainted, scar from a wart frozen off.
I kneaded love into your back when we were still drinking sweetness off each other.

Angry, stuffed with young excuses,
I drove out possibility.
Frightened of great disease: that you always knew symptom and cure of.
If I could burn the altars in my head,
And I might cheat my fear and demand you back, and there were promises that I ravaged,
And there is grief I can’t outgrow
And I’m sorry that I broke your ideals, not your heart.

And so I loved you for your brilliance, the abstruse temper you insisted upon
and swore that only I could crawl beneath.
And for those, I am taken with envy full to the point of hate.
My dreams remember your voice...
damn blatant perfection!
I drop one eye open to diamond tears stunted on my eyelashes with the snap of wake-fall.
I flex legs against the sweat in my sheet
not noticing swirls in my ears of the push-pull of my lungs
and the empty shout of dust slanted over sunlight.
I am living inconsistency, I am idiot concave.
Sharp recall and the dull, hard punches at my chest.
I have tried to accept your disassociation of me.
Hating that I am not victim but non-want.

Forsaken dreams I have, where sheltered I be in the bliss of your conversation,
snapping forward in the vigil to find my fist on the ghost of your hand.
I have found the effigy of indescription
You are not the push and pull of my lungs but
the silence between breaths.
And I love you outside of words in language.
Besides softness in the black endless of pupils,
the tremor I cannot stop when you pass between rooms
and I glimpse but your shoe. This sick shrill clamp on my body when I let myself think, oh so briefly, I am truly without you.

Pathetic and dangerous, I stand there in my Freudian slip dress cutting
the maggots out of my heart for you.
And if I wrote this, would bitterness stain and confine it?
Go search for the lovers, while me and the believers bid time to living.
Maybe we can share our wisdom later when the understanding collects with years over -

Me the contradiction,
You the cryptic,
Us the war.