Delirium

Since when did I mean yes when I said no? So what if I contradict myself? I contain multitudes. You know how much I miss you. So much that it’s not the distant kind of missing anymore. Just these ridiculous throbs of pure unadulterated love.

You have always been wonderful K, all through these dark and violent years. If I needed love, you brought it to me. When, in my mind, after a night of waiting, I heard the key of the door trembling in your fingers, darkness was no longer around. What entered was light and you.

You've been privileged to receive every gift from nature; you have goodness of the highest proportions, fortitude and tears. Please don’t mistake these for blind enthusiasm - this wretched enthusiasm for you has lasted so many years, never humbling and forever multiplying with an inexplicably voracious vengeance. My whole soul is yours, and as you say, yours is mine. If my entire existence had not been yours, the harmony of my being would have been lost and I might have died, which of course, has a rat-assed chance in hell of happening.

My philandering aside, there would have been the making of an accomplished whore in me, because my lucidity shows me each move of the game.But that, in the same instant, a reaction of contempt makes me sweep all the counters off the board and cry out "Take them all, I don't want to win. I want to lose everything to you"; there is this want. The want of a definite plan of mutual watchfulness, with regard to each other, of a definite time and place for doing it with a firm determination to improve and be improved by each other. Instead of letting go, why can’t we just confess and pray one for another that we may be healed?

Please pardon my two-year long delirium, pardon the madness of someone who wants to embrace you, and adore you both for this life and for another, if achievable. Just take my hand K, because we're walking out of here.

And incase you want that dastardly email answered - I do not want to be just friends. I am you and you are me. I am what flows through you, what comes softly but in leaps and tens, I am lord protector, I am little Eva in the snow, I am mother, I am sister, I could be your slut and I sure as hell am everything you need.

The rules of logic don't apply. I just want to come home K, Just please leave the door open one more time.